Friday, May 26, 1995
Aimee Hamm is a practical joker. She is notorious, and her sense of humor can border on the inhumane. Her running battle with Yosh had such a junior high school playground maliciousness to it that I had wondered for some time if their merry little war was a little too much Beatrice and Benedict, as if it were belying more than just a duel of wits but a rather previous coupling of something more intimate (don't ask, don't tell... never happened).
On Open House night, when one teacher left early to play in a basketball league, Aimee left a note on his board, reading "Missed you at Open House. Please see me, Joan." Poor dumb bastard went explaining to Ol’ Lady Grey why he wasn't at his post, all to her blank stare.
Aimee had sent the malicious birthday card to Mary, signing my name to it.
Aimee sent Gloria a card bordering on the sexually harassing, signing another colleague's name to it.
Crank phone calls, bogus memos. She loves the good joke.
The adage, I believe, is "Live by the sword, Die by the sword."
This week, "Teacher of the Year" nominees were announced (sorry, make that "Certificated Employee of the Year"... it seems that the counselors wanted in on the action). Aimee's name deservedly appeared on the list. After this year, she should be on the list, if not the "winner." Of course, it also gave her humor-targets a chance for a little revenge.
Thursday morning, an envelope, sealed, with Aimee's name typed on its front and a post-it on its back reading, "Please see me about this... Joanne" (the real thing), was hand-delivered to Aimee by a campus supervisor. Very official, very intimidating. Inside was the following letter:
To: Joan Grey
From: Concerned members of the faculty and staff
We, the undersigned find it reprehensible that Aimee Hamm's name should have been included among the list of otherwise deserving personnel nominated for certificated employee of the year on the CHS campus. Mrs. Hamm has this year, as in years past, caused nothing but havoc and discord within our faculty. Her warped and divisive sense of humor and her grating and annoying attempts at consensus-building have done more irreparable damage to staff morale than could have been done in a hundred district edicts.
Specifically, Mrs. Hamm has blatantly and with malicious intent forged the signatures of at least two fellow teachers and one administrator to correspondence which has caused serious misunderstandings between various faculty members. Such actions serve to reveal that there is no level to which she will not stoop in her attempts to sow seeds of fear and discontent.
Additionally, her over-zealous use of SSR is no more than a cover for her lame attempts to avoid powerful teaching in her classroom. She has set an example of irresponsibility for her students which has influenced them to keep library materials extremely overdue, thus causing the library staff endless hours of extra work.
Mrs. Hamm's inability to work effectively with staff has been exhibited in the alienation she has fostered between herself and several esteemed members of the faculty, particularly within the foreign language and bi-lingual departments.
Obviously, the process for selecting certificated employee of the year has sunk to an all-time low, and we strongly suggest Mrs. Hamm's name be withdrawn from the competition.
Thank you for consideration of this matter.
What followed were sixteen signatures, including that of one of the co-authors, yours truly.
By the end of second period, we had received her response: a single sheet of folded Xerox paper. The original had been hand-written, scrawled, then copied. It read, "To: Concerned. KISS MY BUTT! Aimee."
By the beginning of third, I had sent back her note, with my own response attached, "I find this offensive and bordering on sexual harassment. I intend to file a grievance. B" Of course, I had been tempted to write something cruder (perhaps, "With tongue or without?), but I didn't want her to send it back with a sexual harassment accusation of her own. It was a kick. Eliot was wrong. May is the cruelest month. Thank god we still have a sense of humor.
As I write this, late Saturday night, nearing midnight (not Friday), I feel fatigue growing again, but there's still more to write. I'll make it quick and merciful for myself.
At the staff meeting yesterday (Friday, the 26th), our fearless leader, confronted the issue of parental rumors and fear. She reminded us that although many of us had griped over the WASC visitation, many of us did not announce to our students the three-year accreditation. Next Wednesday and Friday, we are all to read the bulletin, to make sure our students understand we are still a viable school, that we have not lost our accreditation. Hopefully, this news will make it home.
Then she addressed the other rumor. She said that a month ago, she had casually told Kurtzmann at a district function that at some point he'll have to replace her, because at some point she is going to retire. At some point. Her verbiage. Now she tells us that this was overheard and misinterpretted to mean that she was on her way out now. This is not the case. She will be here in September. She will be here until, as she puts it, Chumash is running smoothly again. Whatever the hell that means. Her announcement was met with applause. Golf applause. When the clapping started, I looked over at Aimee, who was already looking at me. She wasn't clapping. And mine could only be described as sardonic.
With a tepid response like that, what more could a leader want?
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